


This is it

by Kateho



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, OT5, Pining, Post-Canon, The X Factor Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:36:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27174631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kateho/pseuds/Kateho
Summary: There have been far too many instances in Harry Styles’ life where he thought This is it. This is how I die. And they all involve Louis Tomlinson.updates every tuesday
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. OOPS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis' meet-cute :)

**_This is it. This is how he dies._** Harry stares at the floor as blotches of liquid create stains on white canvas- stains that are slowly expanding as it is absorbed by the cloth. He just peed on someone’s shoe- and not just anyone’s shoe– _his_ shoe. _HIM._

Harry wanted nothing more than to run out of the bathroom and not stop running, maybe not stop running until he reaches home. So what if home is hours away by car? He will just run for a whole day -maybe two – until he is home and he can go to his room and hide under the covers. **_If he doesn’t die from embarrassment now, he will wither away from starvation or from holding in his pee because, once he gets there, he is never coming out from under the covers of his bed ever again._**

No. He figures the boy standing next to him deserved an apology. The shoes are probably new- he noticed that most everyone he’s been seeing around are wearing brand new outfits or at least wore their most impressive ones. Harry cringes as he thinks about the boy washing his shoes, trying to get his pee stains out, not to mention the boy will have to walk around with his shoes smelling like pee. 

Harry closes his eyes shut as he slowly raises his head, dreading the minute he will be face to face with him. He opens his eyes to apologize but he finds a pair of blue eyes looking back at him. **_Forget running home, he dies right here, unable to breathe as the same blue eyes he has been admiring from a distance were just a little over a foot away from his own._** The blue eyes were so much more beautiful up close.

“Oops.” is all Harry can say. Not exactly an apology.

“Hi” The boy with blue eyes says with a laugh which makes his eyes crinkle. **_Harry dies right here. At Sixteen. Poor mom. Poor Gemma._**

He must look so stupid right now. He knows he does because he is trying to look anywhere but the ocean blue eyes that reminded him of the beach, when the water not too far from the shore is hit by sunlight just right. Harry also feels warm now, just like he was actually at the beach, soaking in the sun. He fails at not staring; he can’t look away from the most beautiful blue eyes he has ever seen.

“I’m Louis” The boy says obviously trying to fill the awkward silence because Harry is not talking or moving, just staring.

The boy squints his eyes at Harry and tilts his head to the side. Harry’s head turns the slightest to hold the boy’s gaze. He definitely thinks Harry is an idiot who cannot put two words together.

“I would shake your hand, but…” The boy smiles as he looks around the bathroom, bringing attention to where they were and the situation they were in – by the urinals in an empty bathroom, both of them just finished peeing and Harry just splashed the boy’s shoe with pee because he was in a hurry so he doesn’t have to stand too long beside the boy who makes him catch his breath.

While the boy lets his eyes wander around the room, Harry’s eyes wander from the boy’s eyes to his lips, his attention caught by them when the boy spoke. He had soft lips that were the perfect shade between pink and red. Harry’s mind wanders what those lips would feel like if he touches them…or brushes against them with his lips.

When the boy finally looks back at him, the smile was gone and Harry thinks he saw the boy cock his eyebrow at him. Harry can’t be sure though because it was gone in a less than a second. The boy is just looking at him now with an unreadable expression on his face. It was after a few seconds that Harry realizes he was biting his lower lip. Harry quicky straightens his face and the boy just smiles with a small chuckle and a shake of his head.

“Shall we?” The boy motions towards the sink and they both walk towards it.

Harry walks a few steps behind the boy and continues to look at him through the reflection in the mirror in front of them. He is definitely starting to be creepy, surely, but he doesn’t feel like it because the boy doesn’t look weirded out all. The boy, instead, has an amused look on his face as he holds Harry’s stare through their reflections.

“I’m really sorry about your shoes” Harry finally is able to say as he washes his hands.

“No worries, not a big deal.” The boys simply shrugs as he washes his own hands.

“I’m Harry, by the way.” Harry says as closes the tap, grabs a napkin from the dispenser to wipe, and offers his hand to the boy. 

The boy just looks at Harry’s outstretched arm that is waiting for a handshake and continues to wash his hands with a smirk.

“I know.” The boy looks at him through their reflections in the mirror again. He keeps the smirk on his face. What does he mean when he said ‘I know’? Why is he smirking like that? Harry would pay to know what is going through that boy’s mind.

The boy finally closes the tap, wipes his hands on the side of his pants and reaches out to shake Harry’s waiting hand.

And oh. What was that? Harry felt…something… when their hands touched. It felt like a jolt that started from his palm then it travelled up his arm. Did the boy feel it too? He looks up from their hands and sees the boy staring at their hands too. He felt the boy take a deep breath.

“It’s Harry Styles, right?” The boy says finally looking up from their hands and the smirk has been replaced with a wide smile. “I’m Louis Tomlinson.”

Harry doesn’t mind dying right now. Harry is here, taking a chance auditioning in a talent show, because he wants to be a famous singer but he thinks its okay if it all ends here and if most people don’t ever even know he existed because the boy named Louis Tomlinson already knows his name. 


	2. CABIN

“What are you doing out here?” Harry hears the now familiar voice ask him.

“Just…thinking” Harry responds trying not to smile knowing Louis went and looked for him.

“Are you going back inside?”

“In a bit.” Harry says looking into the living room through the window.

The other boys were playing video games and shouting at the screen. He loves his new friends but sometimes he needs to get away from the happy, chaotic energy he recently found himself constantly surrounded by.

“Can I join you then?” Louis voice sounds closer as he climbs into the empty hot tub with Harry. Louis settles in the tub, sitting down beside Harry with legs stretched out. 

“I can see why you’re hanging out here. Nice view. Your dad’s real nice letting all of us stay here a bit.” Louis says turning to face him.

“Yeah” Harry says but he doesn’t dare move though. Last time his face was this close to Louis’ he had the hardest time trying not to kiss him. He needs his stupid crush on Louis fade a little before he can have his lips inches away from him without giving in.

“What are you thinking about?” Louis’ voice was soft, a sharp contrast from what he sounded like five minutes ago when he was playing video games with the other boys. He’s learned that Louis was like him, often shifting between being a big ball of energy and being quiet and mellow.

“This is crazy. Can you believe we’re in a band?” Harry still cannot wrap his head how fast things happened.

“Definitely bonkers.” Is all Louis adds.

It was quiet for a moment, but it wasn’t awkward. They’re mostly quiet and mellow when it’s just the two of them.

“Do you ever wonder what’ll happen after all this? I mean how do we go back to our old lives after the show is over?” Harry breaks the silence. He doesn’t usually say his thoughts out loud like that but its really easy when its just Louis.

“You’re not going back to your old life Harry Styles.” Louis says with a laugh. “I mean whatever happens to the band, with the show, you’re going to make it big. You were born to be a Rockstar.”

Harry lets out a snort. He’s not that special.

“What’s so funny?” Louis asks and he could hear the smile in Louis’ voice “It’s true. I mean with that voice and that name…and those dimples…” The smile in Louis’ voice was gone and it was replaced with something else. There was an edge in Louis’ voice Harry has heard before. He couldn’t say for sure what it was, but Harry had hopes of what it could be.

Harry wills himself to look at Louis and suddenly there were those blue eyes again, staring at him. Is it possible? He will never know unless he tries. Harry takes a deep breath and inches his face closer. Louis is still looking at him, not blinking, not moving, and it seems, not breathing. Harry moves even more closer. HIs lips is now just so close to Louis’, if he pouts, their lips would surely brush. Harry can’t breathe is this really happe-

“Um, guys….” Niall’s voice interrupts the moment. Shit.

“Yeah?” Harry quickly turn away from Louis’ face but not looking at Niall either. 

“Pizza’s here” Niall’s voice was even, it doesn’t have the usual high energy it comes with.

“Pizzaaaa!!!!” Louis suddenly screams animatedly as he stands and rushes through the sliding doors into the kitchen.

They almost kissed. Harry almost confessed that that is all he has been thinking about lately. He almost professed his idiotic crush on his bandmate. **_This is it. This is how he dies, Harry thinks – with an almost kiss with Louis Tomlinson._**

Little does Harry know that this is only the first of countless torturous almosts he will have with Louis,


	3. PRINCESS PARK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Harry and Louis moved in together

**_Can you die from not sleeping?_ Harry wonders. Because if you could, it’ll probably how he’d die if Louis kept sleepwalking into his bed at night.**

It’s not the first time they’ve slept beside each other, but the other times there were too many people around- the boys, handlers, assistants, stylists, security, sometimes their friends and families- that it never really felt intimate. But this, this is different. They’ve recently moved into this extravagant apartment together and they’ve got this big place with just the two of them. It’s not even what most would think- Harry was a minor and Louis was the only one above eighteen, so they HAD to live together (though they’ve definitely discussed it even before being made aware of the legalities) – but staring at Louis sleeping peacefully with morning light hitting his face and hearing tiny puffs of air coming out of his mouth and with no one else around, it feels so intimate. It feels like a secret Harry would like to keep forever. 

It feels even more intimate with Louis’ arms and legs draped over him, over his naked body which is, thankfully, covered with a duvet. Harry used to sleep without clothes back home. Sharing a room with the boys and having people constantly coming in and out of their rooms obviously meant that he had to drop the habit. Now that he finally has some privacy back, he started indulging in it again and it felt like a little bit of the normalcy he’s missed is back – until around midnight last night when he heard his door open and when he felt his bed dip and when Louis fitted himself into Harry’s side. That was definitely not normal. Harry has been awake since, getting a few minutes of sleep here and there, but mostly awake, and mostly hard down there. 

Now, it’s a little past 6 am and for the past few minutes, Harry has been resisting the urge to push up some of Louis’ hair that has wondered onto his face and that has partly covered his long lashes which Harry loves to stare at. Harry gives in though and tries to very gently tuck the hair behind Louis’ ear. His less than graceful limbs, of course, fail at the simple task and he accidentally pokes Louis’ eye which stirs Louis from his sleep. Harry is frozen.

Louis hums and opens his eyes. “Good morning” Louis greets him with a raspy voice and a smile. He reaches for Harry’s hand which is still by Louis’ ear and Louis tucks Harry’s hand in between both of his and close to his chest.

There have been so many moments that were definitely not platonic. So many moments engraved in Harry’s mind. Moments like these. Fleeting moments. Maybe now that they have a place for themselves, it can be more than just fleeting moments. 

Harry gulps and tries to return the greeting. “Good morning, Lou” It was only then than Louis seems to realize that they are sharing a bed.

“What are you doing here?” Louis asks as he sleepily looks into Harry’s eyes, their faces just a few inches apart.

“You’re actually in my bed. You came in around midnight.” Harry says in a whisper so as not to startle Louis who just woke up a few seconds ago and also maybe to preserve some of that intimacy and maybe he can put his hand back on Louis’ face.

“Oh” Louis says as he removes his draped leg over Harry and half sits on the bed supported by his elbows. “Sorry about that Hazza, must have slept wa-“ Louis stops mid-sentence as he gets a better look at Harry’s face. “Hazza, you look terrible”

“Huh. Thanks Lou.” Harry says as he rolls his eyes. He half sits on the bed too but with his back against the headboard and hands crossed behind his head.

“No, I mean, you look like you didn’t get any sleep last night. You don’t actually look terrible, Haz- that’s kinda impossible” Louis smiles as he turns his head to face Harry.

Their eyes meet and time seemed to have stopped. **And its moments like this that kills Harry. The way these fleeting moments with Louis stops his heart- it’ll send him to an early grave, Harry is sure of it.**

“Hazza…” Louis seemed to be fully awake now because his typically lively voice has replaced the raspy one he had just a few minutes ago “…are you naked under there?” Louis asks with a smirk.

“I…uh…” Harry stammers, fleeting moment definitely gone.

“No need to be embarrassed, Haz. It’s your room you can do what you want.” Louis says with a shrug.

“I guess I have to start locking my door” Harry grumbles as he pulls himself away from the headboard and sits up fully on the bed.

“No. Don’t do that Haz.” Louis says as he makes his way off the bed by sitting on his knees and unnecessarily straddling Harry. He stays in that position and stares down at Harry. “Don’t lock your door.”

“Why not, Lou?” definitely a loaded question and fleeting moment definitely back on.

“Because I like waking up next to you” Louis says with a quiet smile. He scoots backward, out of bed.

“Get dressed, Haz. I’ll have tea ready in a minute” Louis says walking towards the door. “And I think you have to take care of that” Louis smirks and Harry follows his eyes towards the slight poke from under the duvet.

Harry watches as Louis leaves his room and disappear towards the kitchen. As soon as Louis is out of sight, Harry collapses back into bed and rubs his face with his hands. **He and Louis definitely have to have a talk about this...thing between them. Otherwise, this is it. This is how Harry will die. If Louis keeps up with his sleepwalking, Harry will die from lack of sleep and he will be found naked and with half a hard on.**


	4. AMELIA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry are finally together but they're in a situation that feels like death for Harry

Harry hits send then takes a deep breath. There. He’s done their bidding. Again.

He’s getting a headache, he thinks. He starts rubbing his temples with his fingers but ends up rubbing his whole face with both his hands as he lets his back crash towards the headboard.

“Hey” Louis says softly so Harry takes a peek in between his fingers.

Louis was slowly walking towards the bed, the bathroom light creates a halo around Louis’ silhouette. God, Louis looks like an angel. _His_ angel. Officially his angel for the better part of the year. Harry drops his hands from his face and lazily smiles as he admires Louis make it to the edge of the bed and then crawl towards him. 

“Hey” Harry tries to fake a bigger smile, so Louis won’t notice how he feels. But he finds that he’s not faking the smile for long as Louis settles himself beside him, arms automatically laying across Harry’s chest and chin resting on his shoulder. This feels nice. Always feels nice. No matter how tiring or frustrating the day has been, ending it with Louis tucked to his side always makes everything feel worth it.

“What’s wrong, Haz?” Louis says, eyebrows furrowed lightly as he plants a gentle kiss on Harry’s cheek.

“Nothing, baby” Harry says quietly as he returns the kiss with one of his own and he adjusts so he can wrap an arm around Louis.

“Headache?” Louis asked and Harry nods.

In a second, Louis has left his side and is now sitting on Harry’s pelvis, straddling him.

“Let me try and make it better.” Louis says slowly and quietly as he bends down and lets his lips meet Harry’s.

It’s a soft kiss that slowly deepens. Harry lives for these. Harry lives for every little thing Louis does to him, actually, but in this specific moment, this reverent kiss is what Harry lives for. Harry tries to add urgency to the kiss as he lets his hands slowly travel along Louis’ thighs and upward towards the side of his torso, then back down to his thighs again but Louis pulls away from the kiss.

Without leaving his spot on top of Harry, Louis reaches for the drawer on Harry’s side of the bed. Both sides of the bed are technically Harry’s since this is Harry’s bedroom, but they’ve been sleeping in the same bed for nine months now, so the other side has been claimed by Louis. Louis’ bedroom has become more like their dressing room/drop off room for work stuff (it’s messy anyway, Louis said when they started with the arrangement) while Harry’s bedroom is their little nest, their private bubble away from the world. 

Louis takes out some balm from the drawer and rubs it in between his fingers before rubbing them gently on Harry’s temples. The lavender mint balm has made permanent residence in Harry’s drawer for the past couple of months, when the constant headaches began- since _IT_ began.

Louis’ fingers gently massages his temples, Harry lives for it as well. It feels like Louis is rubbing away all his worries. Harry lets us a satisfied groan.

“Better?” Louis asks smiling.

Yes, so much better, Harry thinks. But instead of saying it out loud, Harry tries to show Louis how he’s feeling by gripping Louis’ hips and pulling himself up and away from the headboard and he crashes his lips on Louis’. He keeps a firm grip on Louis’ hip with one hand as he lets his other hand cradle Louis’ nape. Harry feels Louis smile into the kiss.

The kiss is urgent as if they’ve been away from each other for a long time, as if they haven’t touched each other in ages when in fact they were just tangled with each other in the car going home, in the elevator up to their apartment, in the kitchen when they had dinner, and by the doorway of the bedroom. Another one of the moments he lives for, Harry thinks. He wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life like this- him and Louis wrapped in each other, barely any space in between them.

Just then Louis’ phone dings. Harry tries to keep Louis in place but he wiggles out from Harry’s grip.

“Harry, c’mon. It might be important. You know I have a mom and 4 sisters. And keepers.” Louis says with a laugh.

Harry chuckles in response but he doesn’t find it the least funny. Keepers – as in a management team that tells them how to talk, how to walk. Keepers as in they have to ask for permission before they can laugh or sit or wave in public. It’s the thing that’s killing Harry at the moment, killing him slowly most moments since two months ago, his only reprieve are his stolen moments with Louis. 

Louis stretches himself to reach his phone on his bedside table, but he keeps himself straddled on Harry’s lap. Louis looks like a cat. He finally gets a hold of his phone and sits back in his place, straddling Harry but this time he sits on his heels. Louis still has his smile on as he fiddles with his phone, but the smile slowly disappears.

“Latest headache?” Louis asks with a sad smile as he shows his phone screen to Harry.

His last tweet stares him in the face. It’s the tweet he sent just before his latest headache started, the tweet he sent just before Louis entered the bedroom.

_Here's Louis voting for Amelia...thought I'd give you an update._

It’s innocent enough but he had to include a photo of Louis that one of the handlers sent him. It was a picture of Louis sat on a couch with Eleanor who is mostly hidden but definitely recognizable. Because it’s not enough to make them deny their relationship and it's not enough that Louis has to lie about being in another relationship. They have to give the lie more credence by ~~asking~~ telling Harry to tweet a photo of Louis that subtly hints that all is well and good as Harry hangs out with his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend.

Harry drops his eyes and sinks back into the bed. Louis drops his phone on the bed and cards his hands through Harry’s hair.

“Why couldn’t they use a better picture of me. All you could see is my tummy.” Louis says with a quiet laugh, trying to lighten the mood with his self-deprecation.

Harry looks up to meet Louis’ eyes. He smiles because Louis is still sat on top of him and it’s the best view in the world.

“I like your tummy” Harry says as he raises himself back up and buries his face on the crook of Louis’ neck.

“I hate this.” Harry mumbles.

“Sorry, baby.” Louis says, still running his hands through Harry’s hair.

“ ‘s not your fault, Lou.” Harry looks up at Louis.

“I hate THAT” He points to Louis’ phone on the bed.

“I hate THIS” Harry gestures to the room in general.

“I hate THEM” The anger in Harry’s voice is palpable.

“I hate HER” Harry says quietly.

Louis takes a deep breath and places a hand on each of Harry’s cheeks. “Don’t hate her, Haz. She’s really nice and she’s just working, just like the rest of us.”

“Besides” Louis continues “these things are not long term. It’s just a couple of months.”

This gives Harry hope. He hopes Louis is right, that this is just for a couple of months. Harry hates sharing Louis, even if it’s just fake sharing. And since it started in September and since it’s now November, this should be over soon. By this time next month, by Louis’ birthday, Louis will be all his again. 

Harry needs Louis to be right because Harry feels like he’s been dying a little bit inside since September. He is ready and wants nothing more than to shout to the world that Louis is his but instead he gets the opposite. **If this lie lasts longer, Harry feels like that would be it; he would die from keeping his love for Louis a secret. He would die from denying to the world just how much he loves Louis.**

Louis smiles at him softly and kisses him languidly, as if they can do this anytime they want, as if they don't have to settle for stolen moments and stolen kisses, as if the outside world wasn’t against them. Harry kisses Louis back urgently. For now, him and Louis in their little cocoon, in their own little world, keeps him alive.


End file.
